How did I lose my hair the first time? Part 3 My Last Story

WARNING: This story is graphic. Do not read if you have an easily upset stomach. There will be four parts to this answer. I will post this warning at the start of each.

My Last Story
Copyright Deni Wom 2003
I awake so deeply disappointed. But I realize it is not their fault, his fault. I miss my husband more than I miss life, and I wonder why he has no longer desired me. I am no longer his friend. I am no longer his confidant. I am no longer his lover. He no longer trusts me. Why I do not know.

His thrust-upon silence, the wall between, not surmountable. His refusal to talk is simply not understandable. His actions are so out of character. His lack of trust are not the same him. His refusal to explain his actions is beyond mystifying.

And my Kara, my Mistress, accepted me, yet now she discards me. She told me to be ready, gave a time. I failed to meet it, but can I not say that I tried? The lines were long. Their needs to contact loved ones were as great as mine, I think. Could I, should I, have been more greedy, pushed, shoved, yelled? It is not really in me now to do that. Maybe once, but not now. I am meek now, unimportant. He does not want me, how can I have the confidence to demand, to take?

And so the evening went, standing in line, making unwanted small talk. Learning the problems and lives of others, trivial they seem to me. Logging on, reaching out, wanting a small hand to touch, to hold, to want me. It is not there. It is not offered. I have not pleased her. I have given myself to her safe keeping, but the gift of me is not wanted, not desired, not desirable.

I am old now, ugly, without qualities. Not suited for mating or even using, it seems. I am no longer needed. Is it fair of me then to use the precious resources of this dwindling, burgeoning earth. Is it not time then to return my borrowed minerals and water to oblivion. To say thank you to mother earth for my brief borrowing?

It is.


The World dims from view,
And silence descends around me.
Old friends retreat to their distance
And my hearts stills to quiet.

The softening hurts of yesteryear
Are no more in mind,
I feel no pain, no presence, no fear
And the silence welcomes me.

The watery world of silence
Is so welcome, such a friend.
My heart reaches for the place of Love
A place where I feel no pain.

I rest from my tears.
Goodbye Jay, God go with you, My life………..