Most frustration and boredom in a relationship starts with the two letter word: "NO!" Now we all know that that word may come in many formats, like a frosty glare, a bored sigh, a look that says "You want to do what?" or even an indiscreet "FUCK You asshole!"
But in essence, it is the same thing. “We ain’t goin there buddy, forget it!” And just like that, one more trowel of mortar and a brick goes onto the walls we build between the ones we love and ourselves. Divorce is built out of one comment, one action, at a time, repeated over and over. Each time you shut down your loved down, the end of the relationship is just that much closer.
In relationships with a Taker, the “No!”s are frequent and close together. With Givers, the “No!”s are usually farther apart, and there is often time for the recipients of the “No!”s to recover, even heal. Still, . . . . enough “No!”s and the relationship will crumble. Maybe not a divorce, but perhaps it will evidence itself in an affair, or “erectile dysfunction” (love that euphemism for rejection) or some other symptom of dismissal.
So what are the alternatives to “No!”s?
‘Basic Problem Solving 101’ tells us to first analyze the evidence. In other words, WHY did you say “NO!”? This takes honesty, brutal self honesty. Do you need to be in control, and saying “NO!” is how you do it? Or are you afraid of pain? Or perhaps you are hurting from some other previous incident and are saying “NO!” to get back at your partner. There are probably a thousand other reasons as well. But the real question is “Is it worth the rejection you are dishing out on your partner, . . . . . in the long run?”
Step Two is to brainstorm other solutions that do not include the rejection. Let’s say you are being asked by your partner to allow him to penetrate your anus. Just before you blurt out “NO!” you realize that your instant willingness to refuse him was because you are afraid it will hurt too much. After telling your partner the reason that you are hesitant to go along with their fantasy, you might suggest “I will try it with you if you let me be in control of the penetration speed and depth, so I can make sure you stop if it starts to hurt too bad, OK?” That way, even if it does end up hurting way too badly to consummate their fantasy, your partner knows you really did try for them. And they will not take that as a rejection. One less brick in our wall.
So, when you suddenly discover you have been saying “NO!”, and the reason for the discovery is a set of divorce-papers served on you, or you discover their illicit affair, don’t blame your spouse, be honest and have enough integrity to analyze whether it was really your own doing!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
3 comments:
How true .. been there and emptied out.. me a giver.. she a bipolar taker .. 14 months.. good article Deni .. Ed
Very true Deni. In that two-letter word "No" is encapsulated all of a man frustrations in the bedroom. ...Don
Hi there, NO is a hurtful word. Haven't we all used it at one time or another and quite often regretted it immediately or at least very soon? The regret then manifests into guilt which just adds to the problem. Yet, that is one of the first words as toddlers that we learn because as babes we hear it more often than not. ;~) funny how that works, yes? However, I do not believe one has to always say YES, either. So what is the answer? In my opinion, it is discussion....talk about your fears or reasons for the negative response. Be honest, and fair...and listen to what the other has to say. Often, we are so busy talking, we don't listen. Instead, we are preparing our next response or argument....It's me......Dar
Post a Comment